The Name Game

So what's in a name? Apparently quite alot. If your name is Paris Hilton, it means you probably won't do your 45 days in jail. Not beacause you were found innocent, not because you learnedyour lesson, but because it's really your publicist's fault.

If your last name is Windsor, people will treat you as if you have some political input, or even a clue about the lifestyles of the people you "rule."If your last name is Povich, you can act like you have a responsible news program. Truth is you actually touch only 3 different topics; teen girls gone wild, paternity tests, and hidden video. Thats because they best allow you to exploit the lower income edge of society.

If your last name is Couric, you accept a record-breaking amount of money to revive a dead franchise. When you don't live up to your job though, you basically turn a blind eye to your own failure.

If you last name is Ray, you shamelessly accept any marketing or franchise deal that comes your way no matter how moronic (see her new Healthy/Organic Dunkin Donuts campaign).
If your last name is Willis, somehow you believe that what the world really needs is another Die Hard movie (or to hear you sing the blues).

Sad as it may seem, name dictates power over the general public. But, why doesn't demand? Accept as little as possible that these so called "IMPORTANT People" shove down your throat. That makes your own opinion and eventually you....IMPORTANT.

One more thing, I've found my new calling and it's as a advertising and marketing specialist for McDonalds. You may ask how Toxie came to this decision? Well just yesterday I strolled into the local Mickey D's, and was promptly asked by the mongoloid at the register if I'd like to try their new Minty Mudbath shake with my number 11 combo. "Minty what?" I respond. "Mudbath. We also have a new Swamp Sludge McFlurry." she drools at me. "You're freakin kidding, right?" I retort. Listen, if some ad exec can stand up before the McDonalds board of directors and pitch "mudbath" and "sludge" to describe a new food item, why can't I? Here are some new flavor ideas I'm including with my resume submission:

Fleshy Tonguebath

Salty Toncilwash

Lemony Footsoak

Berry Crackgrit

or my new McFlurry flavors:

Landfill Lime

Cesspool Cream

Afterbirth Smoothie

and my personal favorite....Peach and Placenta.

Since the standards seem so unbelievably low to work in this field, I'm sure I'll go far.

10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Not Upon Us

So last week I took a trip to a local nursing home (no matter how many showers I take, I can't seem to get the smell off of me). While speaking with a kind 94 year old lady (who thought I my name was Melvin for some reason), I noticed that all old people think the end of the world is upon us. This negative additude bothered me, so in response here are The Toxic Life's - Top 10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn't Near.

10.)Rosie O'Donnell Announces Her Departure From The View - Hallejuah!!! Daytime television is once more free from America's over-exposed, loudmouth, bulldike. Upon her April 30th announcement that she wouldn't be returning after June, public sentiment was uncharacteristically...positive. Hopefully Barbara Walters will get it thru her skull that nobody wants to be bullied on TV, hear about ongoing fights with Donald Trump, or listen to a raving lunatic that for years denied her sexuality in public, and now acts like she should be the Gay and Lesbian envoy to the United Nations. So long, and here's a Harley Davidson Chained Biker Wallet for your time.

9.) All Of America Realizes What A No-Talent Has Been Bon Jovi Is - Last night on American Idol was Bon Jovi theme night, and before our eyes a tired, haggard Jon watched as the worst Idol contestants ever butchered his wretched material. You see, in the 80's when teen girls were stoking their Aqua Net addiction and using a shoe-horn to get into their jeans, I knew this guy was a hack. So Jon, you give rock a bad name.

8.) The Signing Of The Pension Protection Act Of 2006 - Sad as it may seem, a third of Americans who are eligible for 401K's still don't enroll in them. Now, since people don't want or care to think about their future, your employer does it for you.

7.) Britney Spears Comeback at the House of Blues - With problems like world hunger, poverty, and genocide what the world needs is the sweet sounds of hit me baby one more time.

6.) Childrens Support of The Wiggles at All-Time Low - Social miscreants and possible perverts, The Wiggles, have started to see massive ratings drops in their syndicated show. Just look at this child's reaction to their last live concert.

5.) Another Season of Quality Family Viewing...I Love New York 2 - Classy men competing for a classy lady. What else would families do without VH1's celebreality spinoff. Millions of Americans are rejoicing at the announcement of a sequel to the series.

4.) The Internet Pedophile Rights Movement - With the same logic as the gay rights movement, pedophiles are now asking to be recognized as a group of people who are BORN with these feelings and want equality. No I am not joking. They are putting up websites trying to defend their feelings, if you don't believe me see the following link:http://lege.cz/archiv/pedo1.htm

3.) Fans At Talladega Throw Beer Cans On Track - With NASCAR struggling to be taken seriously as a sport, and not the automotive version of pro wrestling, the upscale fans of the sport decided to show their version of home field advantage. Even though 14 people were banned over this, redneck racing fans are too stupid to even realize how much they set their own sport back (but furthered the cause of in-breeding).

2.) Barry Bonds Closing In On Aaron's Record - As Bonds gets ready to break the most hallowed record in all of sports, it proves to kids that being mean to fans, cursing at the media, and doing enough steroids and HGH to grow a third arm really does pay off. Just to prove I'm not being too harsh, below is Barry's rookie baseball card.

1.) Benny Hinn Says So - After watching last weekend's "Miracle Crusade" on TBN, Benny said God had many more miracles for him to perform, so why would the world end now? By my end of the world calculations, Hinn is 55 and the average lifespan of a healthy male is 72. So we have 17 more years of faith healing and people "slain in spirit."

I hope these 10 points of hope succeed in making you feel good about the world, they worked for me. Why, if you have any remaining doubts just look at the charming young people below who will carry on for the next generation.