THE TOXIC LIFE: Toxic Canidates For Social, Economic, and Government Reform

With the 2008 election stretch under way, and racial/social tensions at an all time high (see stupid cowboy wannabe and racism salesmen below).

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The Toxic Life has been trying to think what kind of leader could fix America right now? So in spirit of the season, here are The Toxic Life's Top 7 canidates for change.

7.) Hillary Clinton - The former first lady and current senator, has a rockstar husband (who she obviously couldn't satisfy in bed), and a political-ambition complex that can't be matched. She likes socialized medicine and generally believes the American public to be composed of buffoons who need government control. But, I really like her bath cakes, they keep my skin so soft!

6.) Towelie (from South Park) - He's popular with the younger set, understands our nation's drug problem, and has a great campaign slogan:

5.) Fred Dalton Thompson - He's a senator (so he knows politics), he stars in Law & Order (so he understands boredom), he was in Days of Thunder starring Tom Cruise and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson (so he understands how to work with homosexuals and untalented money-hungry people), and most of all he's got a smokin hot wife who's almost 40 years his junior (so he knows the joys of a viagra and sparks cocktail).

Also of note he was at the signing of the Declaration of Independence (see below).

4.) Peter Griffin (of Family Guy) - Everyday working class guy (with an IQ Forrest Gump would be proud of), attractive wife (Lois), and a genius child (Stewie). Plus, with politician friends like Bill Clinton you know he'd do a good job.

3.) Jesse Jackson - He spouts racial slurs (called New York "Himeytown"), has an illigitmate child from a 20 year affair, seems to magically appear at every racial problem oppurtunity, and loves to slander white Duke University lacrosse players and not apologize. Wow, just the kind of hypocrite America needs.

2.) Barack Obama - A current senator, leader in government reform, and all around nice guy. Unfortunately, he probably won't garner much help from his party, due to their affinity for W.A.S.P. (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) canidates who claim to be liberal.

1.) The Lord Humongous - We at The Toxic Life throw our support behind "The Ayatollah of Rockin Rolla" from Mad Max: The Road Warrior. He carries a big gun, doesn't seem too concerned about girls or race relations, and if you get out of line he unleashes his "Dogs of War" upon you.