5 News Headlines That IT'S GRRREATT!! To Be An American

With American pride at a supposed low (according to recent Gallup polls), here are some recent headlines guaranteed to make you pledge allegiance.

1.) Panama Justice – Boot Camp Killers of 14 year Old Black Teen Acquitted - Yes, the punching, kicking and deprivation of oxygen of 14 year old Martin Anderson by seven men and one woman is not unusual apparently in the Florida juvenile justice system. Even with video-taped evidence a jury still found no inappropriate behavior. I'm sure these jurors were fair and unbiased here's a photo of the foreman and two jurors:

2.) Mrs. Bin Laden? - Caren Ann Burke, 49, petitioned to change her last name to bin Laden. She listed her reason as "divorce from Rory S. Burke." A few things about Caren: she enjoys long walks on the beach, killing infidels, starring in the TV show "Lost", not paying child support and Barbara Hershey.

3.) Brokeback Joker? - Americans love Batman, and Americans love " Brokeback" gay cowboy jokes. Put the two together, mix in a sprinkle of Heath Ledger and what do you get... The Dark Knight...I guess.

4.) When We Need It Most - The New Backstreet Boys Album - Much like a raging case of herpes, the Backstreet Boys have returned with their 5th album "Unbreakable." Will this album answer America's burning question? Who buys this shit?

5.) Tila Tequeera? - MTV Reality Show A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila - The program is a bisexual-themed reality dating show where 16 straight males and 16 lesbian female contestants compete for Tila's love, the twist is the contestants were not aware of Tila's bisexuality until the end of the first episode. Keep in mind that Tila is so identity confused she claims to joining a Hispanic gang at the age of 16. The kicker to that is she figured out 2 years later that Vietnamese (which is her parent's background) wasn't Hispanic.

Now if those don't make you feel patriotic I don't know what will....unless a bust of Hillary Clinton does it for you.

I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SAND-PAPER COVERED SPOON THAN WATCH ANOTHER EPISODE OF ABC'S PRIVATE PRACTICE

Apparently, alot of people watch the hard-hitting medical drama Grey's Anatomy (really it's a soft-core soap opera porn for women). Recently it spun off another show (unholy abomination) known as Private Practice. Bored as usual, I decided to give this piece of monkey spunk an objective viewing. After watching it, I'm left with one feeling only...best described medically as a feverish, vommitting sensation accompanied by severe spastic colon. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Addison (Kate Walsh) is one hot piece of tail

(I'd definitely let her "practice" with my "privates"), but other than her the cast is made up of wooden B-actors walking through a script not fit for a Lifetime movie of The Week. Starring alongside her "fineness", are Taye Diggs, from How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

Tim Daly, otherwise known as the "not-so-funny" guy from Wings. That was the show where a bunch of drunks sat around a bar and complained. I think he was a postman or something.

There's also some ugly chick who played like Judge Judy or something on CBS. and there's some bald, italian guy who might have played Guido The Killer Pimp in Risky Business.

So you ask: What is the plot of this show? I still don't know! Hot chick goes thru mid-life crisis, kisses some faggotty dude, drinks some Starbucks, talks about sex with some cackling hens, dances in front of a mirror, delivers a baby...yada, yada, yada. That's about all I could piece together. In fact, this show should carry a SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Prolonged viewing of Private Practice may cause an increase in Estrogen levels, Man-Boobs, Ascended Testicles, Growth of a Sensitive Pony-Tail, or a Mangina. Stick this turd where it belongs in the toilet.

BRITNEY SPEARS - Mom Of The Year

Upon hearing that Britney Spears lost her two children for non-compliance with a court ordered drug and alcohol test, a couple of things came to mind: Is she really that bad a parent by Hollywood standards, and is K-Fed really a better option? If she's really that bad, here are some Hollywood pillars of society that are much better:

Joan Crawford - better known as "Mommie Dearest" - a sweet caring physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic, nymphomaniac, bi-sexual, sweetheart. She wa allowed to adopt and ruin the lives of 5 children.

Bing Crosby - A tender loving soul, who gave his son heartfelt advice like, "stay away from alcohol ("It killed your mother") and suggested he smoke pot instead." His eldest son Gary wrote a book about their relationship, depicting Bing as cold, remote, and both physically and psychologically abusive. Two of Bing's children, Lindsay and Dennis, committed suicide. It was widely published at the time of Lindsay's December 11, 1989 death that he ended his life the day after watching his father sing "White Christmas" on television.

Judy Garland - Dorothy from Wizard of Oz - She spawned was has come to be known as Liza Minelli, and showed her love by staying addicted to barbituates, forcing her daughter to raise her other siblings, competing with her own daughter on stage, and most importantly not genetically blessing her daughter with GAYDAR (i.e. how else do you explain David Gest).

The demon known only as Kathie Lee Gifford - She forces her crazed religious beliefs on her children, her incessant desire for stardom, her misplaced beliefs she had a steady marriage as well. Worst of all, I believe she wakes them every day singing that horrible Carnival Cruise Line theme song.

If those people aren't bad enough, just look at more recent examples:

"Mommy, did you really drink that retarded, murderer from Slingblade's blood, and why won't grandpa Jon talk to us?"

Do I even really need to theorize what Suri Cruise's first word will be?

I say forced sterilization for all of these lunatics including Ms. Spears (a.k.a. the "Fat Pig"). Before she Oops...and does it again.