5 News Headlines That IT'S GRRREATT!! To Be An American

With American pride at a supposed low (according to recent Gallup polls), here are some recent headlines guaranteed to make you pledge allegiance.

1.) Panama Justice – Boot Camp Killers of 14 year Old Black Teen Acquitted - Yes, the punching, kicking and deprivation of oxygen of 14 year old Martin Anderson by seven men and one woman is not unusual apparently in the Florida juvenile justice system. Even with video-taped evidence a jury still found no inappropriate behavior. I'm sure these jurors were fair and unbiased here's a photo of the foreman and two jurors:

2.) Mrs. Bin Laden? - Caren Ann Burke, 49, petitioned to change her last name to bin Laden. She listed her reason as "divorce from Rory S. Burke." A few things about Caren: she enjoys long walks on the beach, killing infidels, starring in the TV show "Lost", not paying child support and Barbara Hershey.

3.) Brokeback Joker? - Americans love Batman, and Americans love " Brokeback" gay cowboy jokes. Put the two together, mix in a sprinkle of Heath Ledger and what do you get... The Dark Knight...I guess.

4.) When We Need It Most - The New Backstreet Boys Album - Much like a raging case of herpes, the Backstreet Boys have returned with their 5th album "Unbreakable." Will this album answer America's burning question? Who buys this shit?

5.) Tila Tequeera? - MTV Reality Show A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila - The program is a bisexual-themed reality dating show where 16 straight males and 16 lesbian female contestants compete for Tila's love, the twist is the contestants were not aware of Tila's bisexuality until the end of the first episode. Keep in mind that Tila is so identity confused she claims to joining a Hispanic gang at the age of 16. The kicker to that is she figured out 2 years later that Vietnamese (which is her parent's background) wasn't Hispanic.

Now if those don't make you feel patriotic I don't know what will....unless a bust of Hillary Clinton does it for you.

I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SAND-PAPER COVERED SPOON THAN WATCH ANOTHER EPISODE OF ABC'S PRIVATE PRACTICE

Apparently, alot of people watch the hard-hitting medical drama Grey's Anatomy (really it's a soft-core soap opera porn for women). Recently it spun off another show (unholy abomination) known as Private Practice. Bored as usual, I decided to give this piece of monkey spunk an objective viewing. After watching it, I'm left with one feeling only...best described medically as a feverish, vommitting sensation accompanied by severe spastic colon. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Addison (Kate Walsh) is one hot piece of tail

(I'd definitely let her "practice" with my "privates"), but other than her the cast is made up of wooden B-actors walking through a script not fit for a Lifetime movie of The Week. Starring alongside her "fineness", are Taye Diggs, from How Stella Got Her Groove Back.

Tim Daly, otherwise known as the "not-so-funny" guy from Wings. That was the show where a bunch of drunks sat around a bar and complained. I think he was a postman or something.

There's also some ugly chick who played like Judge Judy or something on CBS. and there's some bald, italian guy who might have played Guido The Killer Pimp in Risky Business.

So you ask: What is the plot of this show? I still don't know! Hot chick goes thru mid-life crisis, kisses some faggotty dude, drinks some Starbucks, talks about sex with some cackling hens, dances in front of a mirror, delivers a baby...yada, yada, yada. That's about all I could piece together. In fact, this show should carry a SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Prolonged viewing of Private Practice may cause an increase in Estrogen levels, Man-Boobs, Ascended Testicles, Growth of a Sensitive Pony-Tail, or a Mangina. Stick this turd where it belongs in the toilet.

BRITNEY SPEARS - Mom Of The Year

Upon hearing that Britney Spears lost her two children for non-compliance with a court ordered drug and alcohol test, a couple of things came to mind: Is she really that bad a parent by Hollywood standards, and is K-Fed really a better option? If she's really that bad, here are some Hollywood pillars of society that are much better:

Joan Crawford - better known as "Mommie Dearest" - a sweet caring physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic, nymphomaniac, bi-sexual, sweetheart. She wa allowed to adopt and ruin the lives of 5 children.

Bing Crosby - A tender loving soul, who gave his son heartfelt advice like, "stay away from alcohol ("It killed your mother") and suggested he smoke pot instead." His eldest son Gary wrote a book about their relationship, depicting Bing as cold, remote, and both physically and psychologically abusive. Two of Bing's children, Lindsay and Dennis, committed suicide. It was widely published at the time of Lindsay's December 11, 1989 death that he ended his life the day after watching his father sing "White Christmas" on television.

Judy Garland - Dorothy from Wizard of Oz - She spawned was has come to be known as Liza Minelli, and showed her love by staying addicted to barbituates, forcing her daughter to raise her other siblings, competing with her own daughter on stage, and most importantly not genetically blessing her daughter with GAYDAR (i.e. how else do you explain David Gest).

The demon known only as Kathie Lee Gifford - She forces her crazed religious beliefs on her children, her incessant desire for stardom, her misplaced beliefs she had a steady marriage as well. Worst of all, I believe she wakes them every day singing that horrible Carnival Cruise Line theme song.

If those people aren't bad enough, just look at more recent examples:

"Mommy, did you really drink that retarded, murderer from Slingblade's blood, and why won't grandpa Jon talk to us?"

Do I even really need to theorize what Suri Cruise's first word will be?

I say forced sterilization for all of these lunatics including Ms. Spears (a.k.a. the "Fat Pig"). Before she Oops...and does it again.

The Name Game

So what's in a name? Apparently quite alot. If your name is Paris Hilton, it means you probably won't do your 45 days in jail. Not beacause you were found innocent, not because you learnedyour lesson, but because it's really your publicist's fault.

If your last name is Windsor, people will treat you as if you have some political input, or even a clue about the lifestyles of the people you "rule."If your last name is Povich, you can act like you have a responsible news program. Truth is you actually touch only 3 different topics; teen girls gone wild, paternity tests, and hidden video. Thats because they best allow you to exploit the lower income edge of society.

If your last name is Couric, you accept a record-breaking amount of money to revive a dead franchise. When you don't live up to your job though, you basically turn a blind eye to your own failure.

If you last name is Ray, you shamelessly accept any marketing or franchise deal that comes your way no matter how moronic (see her new Healthy/Organic Dunkin Donuts campaign).
If your last name is Willis, somehow you believe that what the world really needs is another Die Hard movie (or to hear you sing the blues).

Sad as it may seem, name dictates power over the general public. But, why doesn't demand? Accept as little as possible that these so called "IMPORTANT People" shove down your throat. That makes your own opinion and eventually you....IMPORTANT.

One more thing, I've found my new calling and it's as a advertising and marketing specialist for McDonalds. You may ask how Toxie came to this decision? Well just yesterday I strolled into the local Mickey D's, and was promptly asked by the mongoloid at the register if I'd like to try their new Minty Mudbath shake with my number 11 combo. "Minty what?" I respond. "Mudbath. We also have a new Swamp Sludge McFlurry." she drools at me. "You're freakin kidding, right?" I retort. Listen, if some ad exec can stand up before the McDonalds board of directors and pitch "mudbath" and "sludge" to describe a new food item, why can't I? Here are some new flavor ideas I'm including with my resume submission:

Fleshy Tonguebath

Salty Toncilwash

Lemony Footsoak

Berry Crackgrit

or my new McFlurry flavors:

Landfill Lime

Cesspool Cream

Afterbirth Smoothie

and my personal favorite....Peach and Placenta.

Since the standards seem so unbelievably low to work in this field, I'm sure I'll go far.

10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Not Upon Us

So last week I took a trip to a local nursing home (no matter how many showers I take, I can't seem to get the smell off of me). While speaking with a kind 94 year old lady (who thought I my name was Melvin for some reason), I noticed that all old people think the end of the world is upon us. This negative additude bothered me, so in response here are The Toxic Life's - Top 10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn't Near.

10.)Rosie O'Donnell Announces Her Departure From The View - Hallejuah!!! Daytime television is once more free from America's over-exposed, loudmouth, bulldike. Upon her April 30th announcement that she wouldn't be returning after June, public sentiment was uncharacteristically...positive. Hopefully Barbara Walters will get it thru her skull that nobody wants to be bullied on TV, hear about ongoing fights with Donald Trump, or listen to a raving lunatic that for years denied her sexuality in public, and now acts like she should be the Gay and Lesbian envoy to the United Nations. So long, and here's a Harley Davidson Chained Biker Wallet for your time.

9.) All Of America Realizes What A No-Talent Has Been Bon Jovi Is - Last night on American Idol was Bon Jovi theme night, and before our eyes a tired, haggard Jon watched as the worst Idol contestants ever butchered his wretched material. You see, in the 80's when teen girls were stoking their Aqua Net addiction and using a shoe-horn to get into their jeans, I knew this guy was a hack. So Jon, you give rock a bad name.

8.) The Signing Of The Pension Protection Act Of 2006 - Sad as it may seem, a third of Americans who are eligible for 401K's still don't enroll in them. Now, since people don't want or care to think about their future, your employer does it for you.

7.) Britney Spears Comeback at the House of Blues - With problems like world hunger, poverty, and genocide what the world needs is the sweet sounds of hit me baby one more time.

6.) Childrens Support of The Wiggles at All-Time Low - Social miscreants and possible perverts, The Wiggles, have started to see massive ratings drops in their syndicated show. Just look at this child's reaction to their last live concert.

5.) Another Season of Quality Family Viewing...I Love New York 2 - Classy men competing for a classy lady. What else would families do without VH1's celebreality spinoff. Millions of Americans are rejoicing at the announcement of a sequel to the series.

4.) The Internet Pedophile Rights Movement - With the same logic as the gay rights movement, pedophiles are now asking to be recognized as a group of people who are BORN with these feelings and want equality. No I am not joking. They are putting up websites trying to defend their feelings, if you don't believe me see the following link:http://lege.cz/archiv/pedo1.htm

3.) Fans At Talladega Throw Beer Cans On Track - With NASCAR struggling to be taken seriously as a sport, and not the automotive version of pro wrestling, the upscale fans of the sport decided to show their version of home field advantage. Even though 14 people were banned over this, redneck racing fans are too stupid to even realize how much they set their own sport back (but furthered the cause of in-breeding).

2.) Barry Bonds Closing In On Aaron's Record - As Bonds gets ready to break the most hallowed record in all of sports, it proves to kids that being mean to fans, cursing at the media, and doing enough steroids and HGH to grow a third arm really does pay off. Just to prove I'm not being too harsh, below is Barry's rookie baseball card.

1.) Benny Hinn Says So - After watching last weekend's "Miracle Crusade" on TBN, Benny said God had many more miracles for him to perform, so why would the world end now? By my end of the world calculations, Hinn is 55 and the average lifespan of a healthy male is 72. So we have 17 more years of faith healing and people "slain in spirit."

I hope these 10 points of hope succeed in making you feel good about the world, they worked for me. Why, if you have any remaining doubts just look at the charming young people below who will carry on for the next generation.

Geraldo Versus Bill, and A Moron Named Cho

So whats worse, 2 scumbag spin journalists fighting over illegal immigrants on TV; or an obvoiously deranged 23 year old (who should've been in in-patient therapy) who buys 2 weapons and kills 32 people on a college campus? In Toxie's opinion they're both part of the problem.

Lets start with Geraldo, (shown below at his induction into the Taliban) who is a failed tele-journalist, that looks for any oppurtunity to ham it up in front of the camera. While I do respect his early work on Willowbrook reform, since he has become the patron saint of Trash TV. Anyone who thinks I'm being too harsh just think back to Al Capone's Vaults, or what about his talk show's Satanism special? Here's a quote:

In 1987, he hosted the first of a series of prime time special reports dealing with an alleged epidemic of Satanic ritual abuse. He stated:
Estimates are that there are over 1 million Satanists in this country ... The majority of them are linked in a highly organized, very secretive network. From small towns to large cities, they have attracted police and FBI attention to their Satanic sexual child abuse, child pornography and grisly Satanic murders. The odds are that this is happening in your town.

Okay Senor' Loco, glad you're on top of identifying this impending Satanism problem. Too bad that Neo-Nazi skinhead didn't knock some sense back into your head with a chair.

Moving on to our next pillar of moral integrity, meet Bill O'Reilly (seen below on vacation in the Carribean).

He rambles rants and raves about no-spin, and moral responsibility, yet he makes a live-to-tape news program (so producers can edit guest interviews), and in 2004, settled 2 sexual harrassment cases out of court. He's just as vile as Senor Rivera, just the flip side of the trash coin. Look at the company he's proud to keep, the Nazi Viper Lady herself, Ann Coulter.

Finally, I'll waste as little time as possible on Seung-Hui Cho, a weak, pathetic individual who cannot accept his own social awkwardness, so he decides to blame everyone else.

Sad thing is so many teens and twenty-somes experience the loneliness and need to fit in that this "sissy" felt. Most people don't go after un-armed combatants and call themselves a revolutionary. See if this idiot spent less time watching Park Chan-wook (Oldboy) and Matrix movies, and more time embracing the teachings of other South-Asians like Long Duk Dong, maybe he wouldn't have felt so alone.

I mean The Donger had a hard time fitting in, but with the help of alot of Old Style beer and grandpa's car, he got a "new-style American girlfriend" and even grabbed Jake Ryan's scrotum.

On top of all that this guy's writing is terrible, even for an English major. I read his 2 plays, Richard McBeef and Mr. Brownstone, and they're as entertaining as a mongoloid transvestite. Just read below what his own professors said:

Edward Falco, a playwriting professor at Virginia Tech, has acknowledged that Cho wrote both plays in his class. The plays are less than 12 pages long and have several grammatical and typographical errors. Falco believed that Cho was drawn to writing because of his difficulty communicating orally. Falco said of the plays, "They're not good writing, but at least they are a form of communication."
Another professor who taught Cho characterized his work as "very adolescent" and "silly", with attempts at "slapstick comedy" and "elements of violence."







In the end, if it was so bad Cho, you should have just aced yourself. This didn't make you a tough guy or a hero, just a pathetic footnote in history.


Geraldo, Bill, and Cho. How do these 3 morons fit together?



1.) They all think they are more important in the grand scheme than they really are, and that makes them dangerous.

2.) Which is worse than the other? In terms of loss-of-life Cho, but verbally the other 2 are every bit as poisonous to social conscience.

3.) What do we do about them? Rise up in the cafeterias and stab them with your plastic forks!! No, really thats the hard thing to answer. People can start by turning them off, turn off the O'Reilly Factor, turn off Rivera at Large, turn off news broadcasts showing the stupid clips from this lunatics ravings. These people want you to look at them!! Oh yeah, to anyone who ever needs a friend....