Academy Awards: More Like SHAM-demy Awards

Well the Oscar season has once more came and passed. The dreck big Hollywood calls art is on display, and once again (in Lucas terms) it's a steaming pile of Sith. Before I rant anymore about the so called Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science, I'm gonna give the Toxic 10. These are films that people should have recognized if their collective balls hadn't shriveled up and ascended into their pelvic regions.

1.) Pan's Labyrinth - Since the Academy members haven't figured out how to read subtitles yet, this had no chance of being up for best picture. But coming from the man who brought us sweeping American epics like Mimic, Blade 2, and Hellboy (Note my sarcasm), this is a visionary piece. Beautiful, odd, and entrancing, it is something M. Night Shyamalan tried but couldn't accomplish with Lady in The Water. This will be a classic for years, wonder when the Martin Scorsese re-make will start.

2.) The Fountain - Darren Aronofsky's long awaited take on love and spirituality. Another visually beautiful movie, with a plot too complex for the pre-fifth grade set. Hugh Jackman gives the performance of a lifetime in this.

3.) Babel - A dreamy moving picture with a great cast. This is in my humble opinion the "Art-House Crash." Although the ending is left too open-ended, the sweeping camera shots and beautiful soundtrack are hard to ignore. Watching this I couldn't help but think Alejandro González Iñárritu is one movie away from his masterpiece.

4.) The Prestige - Chris Nolan back at what he does best...trick endings. Christian Bale and Michael Caine are outstanding in this, but I wish Scarlett Johansson could be tarred and feathered for her lack of ability.

5.) Notes On a Scandal - Judi Dench in a scary role that has to be seen to be believed.

6.) The Painted Veil - Beautiful, moving, and well acted. Edward Norton is the best current American male actor. Period.

7.) Thank You For Smoking - Perfect satire that doesn't get too preachy. Aaron Eckhart is spot-on.

8.) Borat - Sacha Baron Cohen puts the joke on everybody, and comes up with a unique comedy. I should have known that when people kept telling me this guy was funny, there was a reason behind it.

9.) Smokin' Aces - To say this is a Tarrantino rip-off is ridiculous. This is moreso what The Departed was supposed to be...a gritty pot-boiler. Joe Carnehan somehow gets a dramatic turn from Ryan Reynolds. For that alone he gets my respect.

10.) Infamous - Toby Jones channeling Truman Capote in a incredible performance that Phillip Seymour Hoffman should be forced to watch. Also, Daniel Craig and Sandra Bullock (yes, that Sandra Bullock) in very strong supporting performances.

**HONORABLE MENTION**

Clerks 2 - Kevin Smith back on top of his game with slacker/toilet humor. This is the movie You Me and Dupree as well as many others tried to be.

With the exception of Babel, and to some extent Pan's Labyrinth and Notes on A Scandal, these films were ignored for major awards. No wonder when notable film afficionados like Rosie O'Donnell help comprise the Academy voting body.

Please take note this is the same academy that gave John Ford's How Green Was My Valley best picture over Orson Welle's Citizen Kane, that nominated The Color Purple and The Shawshank Redemption for a combined 18 awards but gave them none, and gave us visionary actress Marisa Tomei. Good job.

So until Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch win an Oscar...

wait a minute, that's possible.

What about until Tony "Tuff Guy"

Danza is in a movie that wins best picture...

Wait a minute that freakin happened. What about until Three Six Maffia win an Oscar for best original song...

Shit, that happened too. Lets just say until Keanu Reeves, the Beetlejuice guy (Michael Keaton), and Alonzo (the bad cop from Training Day) do Shakespeare....

Okay, so nothings sacred. Screw the academy voters, they know dick.